day one. EDITED.

later on: I guess bestfriends really know whats going on without telling them all I said is I'm trying & I know I am by how I feel & they know exactly whats up.



check your porch, next one garage.
went to school.
say goodbye & I love you.
washed the car.
got ready.
went to confession.
went home cleaned and rest.
and prepare for tomorrow.

I really dont want to blog about this, main point, my heart keeps aching at that one sentence mentioned yesterday night.

I made a list of promises and rules to live by on a daily daay.
right now its at about 42 rules, detailed too.

I have the big B on top of this. doctor said to watch out with all the stress and food comsumption during my period becuase its even worst. he said to control my meals and count even the smallest ones and i stoped becuasei thought i was truly better than this, but i lost everything so now, its even worst. I woke up extra early to do my thing, right after your call. and then I took of my screen, and I sat there waiting andcrying for my shooting star i'vebeen waiting for. i'm beaten down, my chest aches, & i feel dead. someone shoot so much sense into me & i thank you for being there. i've got to stop, i had a problem with this freshman year and i knew how bad it got with weight lost, its even worst. I love my life and I dont want to ruin it by letting it all out. i'm fucken sick, i'm fucken sick in everyway, i feel so down, i feel so gone, and i'm still trying, what other choice do i have than give up. But I KNOW i'll overcome this, i mean its decisions that make my future and i want a future with you and only you, and i know what i've got to go, so watch and stay you'll see US happy, and I'm so sure of that.


stay tune, theres still more to the day.


my bestfriend(9:01:07 PM): you've overcome SO much set backs in so little time for a 15 year old .. after conquering all that .. this shouldn't be one the reason for you to go back to the beginning of it all ..

my bestfriend (9:03:01 PM): maybe i was blind or foolish .. but i thought when you and joshua "broke up" .. and you were "happy" .. i thought you finally saw your true worth. you got the guy running back to you .. other guys came after you .. it's like you were on a pedestoll and all they did was look up to you ... but hearing this .. what happened to that eileen that i saw

another bestfriend (9:03:38 PM): best try controling it.. its your body ga damnit! haha try not to be fuckin whats it called.. bulimic or whatever haha TRY to smile. TRY not to be bulidick. Try to be calm.. try try try. dont do anything stupid. everyone loves you. especially god.. hes watching over you right now.. trying to heal you.


my best (9:11:36 PM): eileen .. i know you let him down and he's probably greatly disappointed right now ... but you're only fuckin human and it's not like HE hasn't disappointed you before ... this whole time since you got back all you've been trying is be this ideal "perfect girlfriend" for him .. and you screw up just this once and he punishes you like you've done so much great shit in the past ..

my best (9:13:43 PM): i understand if he wants space from you right now ... but you're TRYING .. and if he doesn't see this "perfection" you're trying to set for him .... but don't let all this get to you so badly because you've been here before eileen

my best (9:13:50 PM): and you were able to get through it ..

my best (9:14:10 PM): super girlfriend, member .. ?

bestbest (9:29:04 PM): don't say why bother because we all know you love the guy and you'll keep pushing .. if he doesn't see your EFFORT .. then his lose.

bestbest (9:32:12 PM): hallelujah! dont ever lose vision of your worth, eileen