Today;

After summer school, and the teacher telling me I did not need to take the final because I attend school everyday surprisingly got me hyped up in class. The kids in there are really something to be honest. Even not knowing them as much as I do, they care. Man, I need to keep in contact with them they are fun too! And they love my boyfriend from me just talking about him.

After I visited joshua and tried to relax him, I hope I did well papa. I really did try. OH, thank you for letting me spend time with arie before she went to brandon. I taught her how to sit when she wants something, and to fetch. She likes me espcially my mom! ahah we napped together for two hours and walking around the neighborhood, but I mostly carried her. I petted her to sleep a few times and before brandons call, we layed on my carpet and I started to sleep and she licked me, man i really love this dog.

PS. Joshua, I thank you. I guess my prayers were answered a few times. When you pulled me into your arms slighty not as gentle as I imagined, but I loved it. You, you papa, held me in your arms, and kissed my forehead. For the first time in the longest, I felt much better. I love you. I'm sorry I'm so slow at things, or I continue things you absolutely hate, but I wont say I'll stop, I can't promise things like that to you without being FOR SURE, but I'll improve step by step, thats one thing I can promise you and me.

people to keep in contact at summer school:

victor.
waldo.
monica.
jose.
jaime.
tony.
reymond.
chris.
adam.
tanya.
joseph.
paul.
& everyopne i knew before going into that fun class.

tomorrows plan.

hike up sick-ca-more. (i can't spell simple things, only big words)
and go to glendale, city walk, or santa monica. THATS A MAYBE.
but i would love just to hike and get dark again.

Simple please.

mood: just teary.
reason: the blog eludicates each aspect of the question why.

one simple thank you, one little smile, just one please? i try everyday to get that without giving any subtle hint for any sexual interactions. i feel so distant from you now, from everything we do together, its not US its a you and a me. i walked around today crying, trying to suck it up and deal, but it just sucks. i would love to see you more than one hour i would rather have you kiss me on the forehead and cheek more than once, or hold you. i miss holding you and you know what i did when i held you? i pray, i pray that i would never have to give US up. i try to do it everyday, if not i just hold you and pray. but i guess its just lagging it a bit right? need to think positive right? i'm pushing myself, i really am. i want you to be in my arms again. i know youre tired, i understand, i know youre probably drained, but it doesn't take the worlds effort jsut to give me a hug, a kiss, something to remind myself that YOU LOVE ME TOO. though i would never forget that, i need reminders, or helpers. its like me living in new york and never having contact with you, scary right? i'm hands down in love you with you boy. i had my future set on you. and the most powerful thing about it is i know my future is going to be good with you.

you know i carry around the cd i gave you, i carry our green notebook "jabemg" rereading everything and it makes me smile for the day reading jsut ONE section of notes. i love it. i want to be a part of your life, not just a whatever girlfriend. i want to be joshua's girlfriend. because right now i feel like a friend youre force to talk to. and pretty much it drags and kills me everyday.

corrections;

Name:
Eileen Gutierrez
Date: 7/30/2009
Colorgenics Number: 63214507

You are feeling exhausted, worn out, drained. You feel that far too much is being asked of you but you still want to overcome these difficulties and establish yourself despite the effect such an effort seems to have on you. You are a very emotional and sensitive individual. Your life and love of life is dominated by your emotions - you have great feeling towards your fellow man and you are always full of enthusiasm but be careful, you tend to let your heart rule your head and this being so, you could be easily hurt - as perhaps you may have indeed been hurt in the past.

You are very orderly, methodical and self sufficient. You demand and need the respect, recognition and understanding of all those who enter into your sphere of influence.

You honestly believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, but there seems to be no one around to give you the necessary reassurance and encouragement. You are egocentric. You believe that you are always 'right' - well maybe you are but you have a short fuse and are likely to take offence for the slightest reason.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realize those dreams and to turn them into reality.

=/

you suck it in, do the right thing, & walk away.


smile and laugh, then tear up later.



damnit. i hate this.

you make my stomach sick.

did you know that ? everytime i look at the past, you make me want to throw up all over again. you make me want to do so many things, so i congrats you, amazing how you can make a person feel so low in something she should be number uno for. thanks. you ruined my life & you're lucky i don't feel like ruinning yours because that, those actions, oh boy you wouldn't want to witness a horrible act of revenage.


on that note, i sat on my window and went back in time for a bit. i went back to think about a particular event that never really stop crossing my mind every now and then. its an adorable story, a wonderful day, but the ending will make you smile yourself if you'd experience this in life. well its one of those first _____, or first time you have ______, anything in the area of first time experiences, remember those? yet those sometimes may be nightmares, but every person has to have an amazing moment with a beloved one, its just part of life. 5 or 85, everyone knows how it feels to feel so loved, cared for, and to have that one special man/woman to caress your forehead and tell you they are in absolute hands down in love with you in with everything they have in their system. then one day, suddenly you're not the one lying in thier arms. you become nothing to them. you drop to the asphalt and then slowly built up yourself again, you get knocked down 1000s of time before you can actually say you're okay. and then always, after every heartbreak, everytime you jsut wanted to give up, someone sweeps you off your feet, and grabs you before you fall back into your old state. they cherish you, they take care of you, then they love you. they give you something so spectacular, something you lost long ago. and i thank you for being there, not only to love me but to just take care of me to be there when i was on my knees bawling because i lost something i thought i wouldn't be able to find anymore. its like someone above send you down to save me. though you are not in my life as much during that time, thanks for always checking up on me now and then. for cheering me up with your stupid songs and cute dog, thanks man.

Damnit, you make me feel amazing;

you hypnotize me into your mystical world. i get interested, attracted, and then fotunately addicted. once i become yours, its permanent. theres no going back, no loop holes, no back doors, no escape. its just you and me, now and forever. theres nothing to be changed anymore. and i'm not so sad about this. actually, i'm glad. i'm happy i have you. i'm ecstatic you're mine and i get to hold you forever.

Let the memories stroll on by;

my voice cracks, my heat starts to ache, the tears start to roll, and the movie starts to play in my head and the memories slowly fall into my mind. i couldn't stop talking about you all day, i couldn't stop holding your hand and getting those simple forehead kisses that fulfil my daily needs. getting to hold you for hours was amazing. those singing sessions to make me sleep so soundly woke me up with glad smiles. i really love you. i know i will always do. through anything we get through you'll always be the number one thing on my mind all day. breathe eileen, you'll get through it. common, push becuase you know what you can handle and what is enough.

so as today went, my mind went back to the past, and enjoyed each memory of comfort and warmness. and it was nice to reminisce on past experiences and lessons learned. going back always seem to make me feel so relaxed and feel fine. i know the past holds some unnessecary flashbacks, but its always nice to go back and remeber how you felt when you got your first kiss on the forehead, cheek, and then dundundun the lips. its nice to remember holding someone so long and meaningful til both have to let go because someone has to go or their ride has arrive. remembering getting the biggest butterflies, and feeling so shy and on cloud nine. but the best past about all this is when you dream of them. you dream of simple things such as spending as day with them, and waking up smiling so big and getting ready to met a new day of new things.

Common San Fran.

I really need a day to drive to san fran with best and to chill & update about our relationships and then go back in the morning and say goodbyes till our next adventura together. happy 16 months joshua angelo villoria barrera.

Just maybe, I was the one who was wrong this time;

You said it, and you said it with confidence, as if you knew the exact moment that would happen, amazing might I say. As everything slowly comes back to place, I don't feel you anymore. Youre presence isn't as bold. Youre, just you, its hard and i KNOW its my fault maybe thats why it hits me harder. And as everyday passes, I try, I come back hoping for more and I end up with the same thing. I know a lesson is being learned, but I don't think I deserve this bad of a punishment. I dont think that ... I dont deserve waiting or being ignored even if its texting on your phone, or not ignored, but you talk to me like i'm nothing, there you go. when will i be able to call & say i love you like before. when am i going to feel like i'm your girlfriend again. because i'm basicly dying inside. end of story. my chest ahces once again. goodnight.

Do you miss it, because I do;

What better time in one's life and feeling to have no worries at all. All problems wiped away and removes all fear, stress, and discomfort. For me to capture that moment and find a scape goat from my busy lifestyle is simply, laying down with that special man friend. By doing things with no sexual intent still gives me the upmost satisfaction. Enjoying his company, and me enjoying his too. Playing soft jams to fill the atmosphere with harmony because we do not want to interrupt the conversation our eyes are having with one another. I like to throw cute smiles here and there to spark his face. His smile always makes me smile so we both endure a endless cycle of cheeks hurting from smiling to much, if we're not knocked out. Then I laugh because he is always silly even during the most relaxed states. Of course I like to keep it lively by provoking cute little games we play on the bed. It can vary from wrestling, little childish fights, or any random interaction we can think of. As long as it involves us both contributing to the sea of happiness. Snuggled up in a sea of blankets with the best pillow that will make your head sink like a ship. Out of all these many activities that are possibly only from imagination my favorite is just, holding him. Holding him close enough to inhale the natural fragrance his body makes me attracted too, though most of the time I visit you, you have morning breath or something you ate, which I never mind. I do not know how he can get me to smile even though he is trying to nap. The only bad thing about all of this, is when its the end.

hi;

tell me if this is pretty because I'll sing & play this for you (:
oh the lyrics aren't about a particular someone or the past, just need a
sad feeling to it.

The power lines went out
And I am all alone
But I don’t really care at all
Not answering my phone
All the games you played
The promises you made
Couldn’t finish what you started
Only darkness still remains

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

Been black and blue before
There’s no need to explain
I am not the jaded kind
Playback’s such a waste
You’re invisible
Invisible to me
My wish is coming true
Erase the memory of your face

Lost sight
Couldn’t see
When it was you and me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

One day
You will wake up
With nothing but “you’re sorrys”
And someday
You will get back
Everything you gave me

Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
I’m beginning to see the light
Blow the candles out
Looks like a solo tonight
But I think I’ll be alright

Much bettter.

Dont even bother reading my other blogs, they are jsut reminders and things on what NOT to do. I love my sisters forever and everrr.

fucken dead.

I stay up waiting for that call.

I walk home crying passing by your house.

I listen to memories and meltdowns 24/7.

I went from being bulimic and binging to not eatting anymore.

I went from walking with a happy head to something so depressed.

I break down so easily now.

I want to run up to you.

I want to dream about you again.

I want to just hold you.

I'm practically gone, I just feel so dead, perfect word right. I can't live life anymore. My chest aches all the time. My stomach growls all day. My eyes are dark and puffed. I'm fucken sick.

day one. EDITED.

later on: I guess bestfriends really know whats going on without telling them all I said is I'm trying & I know I am by how I feel & they know exactly whats up.



check your porch, next one garage.
went to school.
say goodbye & I love you.
washed the car.
got ready.
went to confession.
went home cleaned and rest.
and prepare for tomorrow.

I really dont want to blog about this, main point, my heart keeps aching at that one sentence mentioned yesterday night.

I made a list of promises and rules to live by on a daily daay.
right now its at about 42 rules, detailed too.

I have the big B on top of this. doctor said to watch out with all the stress and food comsumption during my period becuase its even worst. he said to control my meals and count even the smallest ones and i stoped becuasei thought i was truly better than this, but i lost everything so now, its even worst. I woke up extra early to do my thing, right after your call. and then I took of my screen, and I sat there waiting andcrying for my shooting star i'vebeen waiting for. i'm beaten down, my chest aches, & i feel dead. someone shoot so much sense into me & i thank you for being there. i've got to stop, i had a problem with this freshman year and i knew how bad it got with weight lost, its even worst. I love my life and I dont want to ruin it by letting it all out. i'm fucken sick, i'm fucken sick in everyway, i feel so down, i feel so gone, and i'm still trying, what other choice do i have than give up. But I KNOW i'll overcome this, i mean its decisions that make my future and i want a future with you and only you, and i know what i've got to go, so watch and stay you'll see US happy, and I'm so sure of that.


stay tune, theres still more to the day.


my bestfriend(9:01:07 PM): you've overcome SO much set backs in so little time for a 15 year old .. after conquering all that .. this shouldn't be one the reason for you to go back to the beginning of it all ..

my bestfriend (9:03:01 PM): maybe i was blind or foolish .. but i thought when you and joshua "broke up" .. and you were "happy" .. i thought you finally saw your true worth. you got the guy running back to you .. other guys came after you .. it's like you were on a pedestoll and all they did was look up to you ... but hearing this .. what happened to that eileen that i saw

another bestfriend (9:03:38 PM): best try controling it.. its your body ga damnit! haha try not to be fuckin whats it called.. bulimic or whatever haha TRY to smile. TRY not to be bulidick. Try to be calm.. try try try. dont do anything stupid. everyone loves you. especially god.. hes watching over you right now.. trying to heal you.


my best (9:11:36 PM): eileen .. i know you let him down and he's probably greatly disappointed right now ... but you're only fuckin human and it's not like HE hasn't disappointed you before ... this whole time since you got back all you've been trying is be this ideal "perfect girlfriend" for him .. and you screw up just this once and he punishes you like you've done so much great shit in the past ..

my best (9:13:43 PM): i understand if he wants space from you right now ... but you're TRYING .. and if he doesn't see this "perfection" you're trying to set for him .... but don't let all this get to you so badly because you've been here before eileen

my best (9:13:50 PM): and you were able to get through it ..

my best (9:14:10 PM): super girlfriend, member .. ?

bestbest (9:29:04 PM): don't say why bother because we all know you love the guy and you'll keep pushing .. if he doesn't see your EFFORT .. then his lose.

bestbest (9:32:12 PM): hallelujah! dont ever lose vision of your worth, eileen

Plaaning;

So I guess I'm having a hangout on tuesday? hahaha noticed I said GUESS. It'd be nice to chill with everyone at least once before summer ends, this means everyone, like frank status, itd be nice. I'm looking foward to just talking & taking pictures and everything. Its been so drama filled lately. I'm done with her. I really dont care anymore. I love life, my bestfriends, my chill friends, my boyfriend, my famiily of course & then again live. I'm excited for everything her are the plans so far:


mon: final for schoool shop for everything.
tues: hangout & sleepover.
wed: off & hangout with bubb the whole day(:
thurs: start health.
friday: concert for demi & david at nokia!

Think About It;

I've been thinking a lot, about everything. My future, my decision in school, to be a good student or let loose & have fun for once. Today was relaxing. So today we decided the girls needed to relax and just hangout before everyone does there own thing, well before we start hanging out a lot. And then Ana invited a whole group?!: Eileen, Arcel, Sharmine, Ana, Taylor, Poalo, Norman, & Justin. We just hung out athte beach catched up, almost drowned saving Ana more then 20 times, swallowed cups of saltwater, and ate at pho, lovely right? I loved the walk we took, so relaxing. And eatting a great meal, what else can we top that with? It was a good day. Before my dad comes home, I want to spend more time with you. I know its going to be limited again and even worst becuase no board, but i've got a bike, so I'm okay. I'll make everything work. I've been obessed with clothing I'm so ready for the winter season with all my scarfs and coats ready.

Moneey;

I've saved up. I sacrifriced my money for this amazing bag. I've got one account for me & for you. I'm pretty proud.

Push Eileen;

I'm staying, I won't go anywhere anymore. This is my place in life. But it would be nice if I didn't get that kind of language. I mean I try not to complain, but its like before, and at some point somehow, its going to get to me. When that is said I don't do it back, I ignore it and pretend you say the same thing. And it just brings me down. I ignore it because I don't like complaining and its something small, I would have thought you would have noticed. And if youre playing, I mean I understand you're busy & you love playing whenever you get the chance, dont worry its fine with me, but doesn't give you the excuse to talk to me like that, I mean its getting way better than before, but its still there. I mean when I say I love you, I dont want an "okay" I know its kinda asking much, but that would brighten my day, youre little things always do. I'm going to have lunch with my mom and maybe that might brighten up my day a little.


Nevermind, I'm wrong like always.

My Future, My Past, & My Present;

Everything seems so complicated, every move I make is completely wrong. Everything I do seems to be a mistake, I'm serious I'm making mistakes every turn I make in this relationship. All I want to do is say sorry all the time, but that would be annoying & will get old. Its like our love is a single candle, trying to avoid the daily breezes, trying to mange to get through the day without dripping every single droplet of wax, the only thing that could stop this is time and we're loosing that faster than the wax dripping. I hope this makes sense, basicly...we're trying to make this work and everything in the world is stopping us, well probably just me because hes an incredible boyfriend. I feel, not as if I'm getting left behind, but I'm not sure how to explain this. We had a talk while we were finishing up our meal and its just hitting me. I'm going to make sure I'll do everything right, I'll try because its not that I won't have a promising future with him, I promised myself I will, I just have to really push these days because things aren't going any slower for me.


I miss everyone. Once I get my lincense, I'm driving to San Fran and staying there for a week, visit some relatives, take everything in and just leave and go back. I really need a breath taking scene where I can sit and stare for hours and then just fall asleep because I need something to take me away and make me realize a lot. I'm stuck here in Oxnard filled with drama and I'm ready to leave and go and just...live life. I know life isn't that peaceful, but I'll find away for everything, thats my promise to everyone, to him, and myself. I promise I'll make everything better. If not, I'll deserve everything I get.

goal of the week: keeping myself together and not to fall apart,

and learn how to finally think positive about everything

Floral Sundresses;

I've been killing for a beautiful long dress with leather soft braids as strands and under the chest area with a killer design, but I'm hopeless and will never find one, siggh.
Here are some I'd like to own with ruffle sandals, some golden jewelry, wavyupponytail hairdo, facefit sunglasses and the beach to show these wonderful creations.

Inner Thoughts;

I tend not to try and put problems on my blogs, but ignore my thoughts. Lately, I've been extremely tired for some reason, always feeling lazy, probably due to summer school, but I love visiting afterschool, staying for awhile and then leave, it may be short, buts its okay, if thats all I get then thats absolutely fine. I want to do a photoshoot some what like this:

With intense lighted makeup and killer shoes with a plain white powerful dress, sounds good.

I've been in a shopping mood latel, my style is changing with colors of the french, stripped blue, with bright red, and a hint of black makes a great outfit to me. I'm looking forward to shopping more often and getting those clothes I've been dying to rock. High School seems overrated now a days, but I'm working on getting everything ready once I get my lincence I want to meet more people, be productive, and see him more. I've been missing my old buddies lately, I caught up with one online the other day, its been forever, I guess its just better when you've known them longer, I'll end here, I promise my blogs with get interesting very, very soon.